Helpful Travel Facts

Paris

  • Parisian women have a higher metabolic rate than the rest of us. This is obvious because they can consume vats of wine, lots of bread and enormous lumps of cheese without gaining weight. (Do not try this at home; you will go up four dress sizes).
  • French men are dead sexy and really good in bed; this must be true because all French men say so. (Try this at home if you can find one).
  • Parisian women can wear miniskirts even if they have fat legs and still look good. This is a scientific fact. Do not think you can do the same.
  • No one in Paris can park a car; this is fabulous if you can’t park either. If you are a really bad driver, you might like to drive to Paris, just so that you will look good in comparison.
  • Most gift shops in Paris sell condoms. They are beside the keyrings and the postcards. And are in a white packet with a red love heart on the front, and have a caption that says, I love Paris. They are all the same size and quite good quality. They sell them as singles and as packs of three. (Not that I bought any).
  • In the South of France, a sun bed costs ten euros. If you take your top off, it’s free. (Not officially you understand, so don’t hold me to that).
  • Do not buy your own drinks in Monte Carlo if you can help it. A glass of champagne costs the same as a Karen Millen jacket.
  • The Scottish Highlands has the same winter as Siberia. You should just be aware of that.
  • There are approximately only two and a half million people in the expensive Paris city area, with another eleven million living in the more economical satellite suburbs. This is because the women spend their money in Chanel and Dior, and so obviously have to cut back on frivolous, unnecessary expenditure such as rent and mortgages.
  • There are approximately five million people in Scotland. Everyone has two coats, three hats and hundreds of odd gloves. I don’t blame them one single bit.
  • Cannes, in the South of France, is the place to go if you want to buy a designer outfit and can’t really afford it. Not because it’s any cheaper than anywhere else, but because you can’t help yourself and nor can anyone else. So obviously you don’t feel guilty about spending money you don’t have, because most people shopping in the boutiques around La Croisette and Rue d’Antibes, like me, should be looking in New Look.
  • Scottish men really do not wear anything under their kilt. This scientific fact has my sexual antenna operating on super-high alert 24/7. I can’t help but stare. (I walked into a pillar at Inverness Airport; I have a lump the size of a boiled egg on my head). My peripheral vision can now detect a kilt through brick walls and around corners. I chose to shut out of my mind the fact that the sub-zero temperatures may well affect the pictorial magnificence of what I’m actually fantasising about. I can’t help but wonder why more countries don’t adopt the kilt as a national costume. Namely the French.

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